With less than 17 days before I say “doi” (goodbye) to Amsterdam, I was robbed at gunpoint of my two most important possessions: my laptop and my phone.
I was in an unfamiliar neighborhood having navigated directly from city center to the gym I usually go to. I was running late–it was 8:30pm on Monday night, right when kickboxing class starts–and I was still 4 minutes away from the gym. I turned into a small park off the main road, where I could see another main road just a block away. Suddenly three masked men ran into my path, causing me to swerve and fall.
They towered over me, saying things I couldn’t really hear because I had my earphones in playing the Frozen 2 soundtrack. I was massively annoyed and I snapped, “What do you want?” And that was when I saw they were holding guns.
It dawned on me that this was a robbery. No one was around. They demanded my money. I told them I didn’t have any (my wallet was at home). They kept looking over their shoulders saying, hurry, hurry. They demanded my phone, which was strapped to the holder on my bike. I handed it over. They demanded my backpack. I said there was nothing valuable in there (there was. My laptop. I wasn’t really thinking straight).
Then they cocked their guns. I heard the clicks very distinctly, and that’s when fear crept in. I remember thinking to myself, I think my family prefers me alive rather than dead in a park–so I gave them my backpack. They ran off into a nearby neighborhood.
I laid there, dazed and out of breath. I thought about Anna’s song in Frozen 2–to take a step, and step again. I got on my bike. On the other side of the park, I spotted a convenience store and headed for the light.
I stepped inside and tried to tell the store owner I had been robbed. That’s when the tears started to flow as the gravity and reality of the situation began to unfold on my shoulders. A nice young man helped call the police and spoke to them in Dutch, informing them of what had happened and our location. Before long the police showed up. They tried tracking my phone and laptop but we were unable to determine a location. They took me to the police station to file a report, where I felt so useless in the very few details I was able to give about the perpetrators. The police gave me a ride home, and by the time I got back, it was 1am.
During those five hours after the robbery, fear, worry, and anxiety threatened to overwhelm me but I clung on to three words that God gave me in the moment: “Do not despair.” I repeated that over and over to myself. Several verses came to mind: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” I wish I could say I was perfectly strong and courageous–I cried a fair amount at the station, and after I got home, and the next morning. But through it all I clung on to His words to me: “Do not despair.”
The next two days were exhausting as I informed various authorities what had happened and tried to figure things out logistically. I was emotionally exhausted but moreover, angry at myself. Even though I understand rationally that I had done the right thing, I still replayed the situation in my mind a billion times. In other versions, I don’t fall on my bike and just keep pedaling faster, away and away and away. In another, I never go through the park in the first place. In another, I memorize every single detail of their faces and clothing and build and weapons. In another, I negotiate with them and call them out on their fake weapons. In another, I picture myself like Black Widow, jumping to my feet and knocking them all out. But the most realistic version is the one that guilts me the most, because it is feasible: I pull the rape whistle on my backpack which makes a ear-piercing loud alarm, scaring them away. Why didn’t I think of that before? These what-if’s and should-have’s haunt me. I get angry at myself for making it so easy for them, because what if they are galvanized by their easy hit and choose to prey on another young woman like me?
The officer who wrote down my crime report–bless his soul–kept bringing up a help resource for victims of these type of things. “In case you have any trouble sleeping, or are afraid of people or of being alone, call this number,” he told me. It didn’t strike me until then that this type of experience has traumatizing effects. But I don’t want to live my life in fear. And I hope this doesn’t bury itself in my psyche to reemerge in other areas of life. Men in groups of three make my heart jump, and I don’t think I can travel alone at night for the time being. But I’m doing what I can, one step at a time, focusing on just doing the next right thing.
Thank you to the young man for calling the police for me, the Amsterdam police for letting me call internationally for a long time on their personal cell phones, CIEE staff for support and walking me through logistics, Audrey for being there, friends back home for prayers, and Dad and Mom for helping me deal with this situation an ocean away.
Second Star Cass 